
Young girls struggle waking up each morning as they're getting ready for school because they’re too busy thinking about what they're going to wear and how they'll look - this is what consumes the minds of many teenage girls and young adult women. Girls as young as eight years old are in the mindset that they're not good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. It's the thought process of "who's going to like me or judge me today?
Will my hair look pathetic? I love my eyes, but seriously, who cares about my stupid eyes? My legs aren't thin enough, why can't I have long, fit legs like that pretty girl in my math class? So what if I'm not perfect? Why can't everyone just accept me for who I am?"
It's what our culture of girls defines as pretty or pretty ENOUGH. Pretty enough for who? Good enough for who? Bombarded by thoughts of measuring up to certain standards. Like, "are my boobs big enough?” "Is my hair wavy enough?" "Is my butt nice and round enough? Be the good girl, the perfect girl, the one who's nice to everybody, and the girl who hardly makes mistakes, or that girl who only speaks up when spoken to - these are the pervasive thoughts where perfectionism takes over the minds of girls and women.
My therapist colleagues share with me about how the propensity for severe depression is worsening. How do we even begin to let adolescent girls and young women know we understand the cruel and complex world they're living in that causes them to feel flawed and misunderstood? How do we help them accentuate the capable, beautiful, valuable qualities about them when they need to feel it and believe it themselves?
Even parents tell me they've had those hard conversations with their daughters, where they stare at you with a blank look, "you know that girl in your class you keep telling me about, with her perfect, gorgeous legs, her perfect hair, and her perfect smile? Yah well, as pretty perfect as she appears on the outside, we don’t know anything about her life. We just assume she has the perfect life. We know nothing about her. That pretty, perfect girl who you think has it all may have personal problems you don't know about. She might actually tear herself apart every day and night. She may not want to get out of bed in the morning because she hates her life even though she appears pretty on the outside. And, she probably thinks the same things that every other teenage girl thinks about. She most likely compares herself to every other girl. She scrolls through social media posts like you do, looking at the perfect images of other women she wishes she could be like."
The coaching work I do is not only with girls and young women. It's also with the mothers of these girls. Often, these same adult moms tell me they never truly got over their own deep insecurities. They're grown women who still need validation and fear being judged. Teenage girls are looking for love, acceptance, and validation in all the wrong places. Sadly, hookups and situationships have become the new normalcy for girls as young as middle schoolers. Parents tell me they've tried everything to help their daughters who feel isolated, anxious, and going down the path of self-destruction.
Young girls need to feel heard and understood. I explain how I was once that little girl who never felt good enough, always comparing myself to others, and wanting to be accepted and included. Storytelling is the most powerful form of healing. Teenagers want to hear the truth, the authentic stories that resonate so deeply with them. The hard work begins by striving for progress and not perfection. Let's give ourselves a lot of credit for being real, for showing up every day no matter how we feel, and stop being so self critical. Let's stop comparing ourselves to others because we don’t even know what struggles they’re going through themselves. If we can move towards feeling that we’re beautiful ENOUGH, worthy ENOUGH, strong ENOUGH, smart enough, and good ENOUGH, perhaps young women wouldn't be vulnerable to social influences. If we could let loving ourselves ENOUGH be the greatest, most powerful definition of how we describe ourselves, that would be one of the biggest feats of overcoming our mental health crisis.
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